An unexpected heartbreak....

I was cleaning up the house a bit this evening. We had the past three weeks' local newspaper sitting in a pile - I'd totally planned on going through them at some point. (Fortunately, my little town only puts out a paper once a week, or I'd have one hell of a pile!) I was browsing through the most recent edition and an obituary caught my eye:

"B.K.P., 43, died on Sunday, Sept. 18 at his home...." it begins.

B.K.P and his family lived across the street from us until just 2 months ago. He and his wife were getting a divorce and sold their house. They were great neighbors - really nice. I hated to see them go. I was sad to see that he had died. My heart sank to my stomach reading this. I could only think of his 14 year old son and how horrible he must feel right now. I wondered if maybe it was a heart attack or something. Then I go a few more pages in the newspaper and find this:

"Police Lieutenant B said a 43-year-old man, B.P.K., died at his home Sept. 18 as a result of hanging himself."

At that point my heart left my stomach and sank down to my toes. Oh no.

Isn't it always the feeling of, "I never expected...." when something like this happens? He never seemed to me to be the type that would do this. But you know what? I've been one of those "never expected" types too. (Those of us who've *been there done that* call it a "mask".)

I've suffered from depression since... I don't even know for sure when it started. It could've been as early as age 9 or 10. I have had a few times in my life when suicide seemed like the best option I had to deal with the pain I felt. I don't know what kept me afloat. Call it whatever you want - luck, a guardian angel, divine intervention, who knows.... I just know that SOMEHOW, each time I never quite fulfilled my final plans. Having a child was the final breaking point for me. I spent many, many months in a deep depression after he was born. The only thing that kept me from killing myself was that I couldn't imagine forcing my son to live his life thinking HE was the reason I had died. When he was 7 months old, after I stood in the mirror with a gun in my hand, I finally made the call to a psych office and got myself some meds and counseling. After a few trials and errors in the medication department, things are in line there. I'll be on meds til' I'm worm food. The counseling.... eh.... I tried three different counselors and I never felt I clicked with any of them. So no big whoop there. LOL.

After reading B.P.K.'s obituary and the short news story, I had a walk down memory lane. And one quote I remember reading on a website a few years ago kept popping into my head:

“Suicide is not chosen; it happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain.”

What an accurate statement. When all your resources have run out, it truly feels like there is no other option. It makes me terribly sad that B.P.K. ran out of resources. I wish I could've been there for him. May he rest in peace.