When dads get older...
Hubby and a friend and I were chatting just a little bit ago. Hubby and friend start talking about how when dads reach a certain age, (they determined this to be around 50-55 years old) they change. They are no longer the strict disciplinarian and workaholic - they become remorseful about all they missed in their childrens' lives because of work obligations. They start saying things such as, "I've been such a horrible father" and "I wish I could've been around more". It's sorta funny, because I've seen some of that happen in almost every older man I know, including my father-in-law.
But you know what? My dad never seemed that way. Maybe he did feel bad about some things. But he never voiced anything if he did. There were so many broken promises - a promise to build a treehouse when I was 9 year old girl, a promise that "this move would be the last move" when I was a 14 year old teen, a promise that he wasn't drinking anymore when I was a 17 year old young woman, a promise that he would help pay for a wedding when I was a 23 year old woman, a promise that he would take my son out for ice cream when I was a 28 year old overwhelmed mother.... Lots of broken promises, but never an apology or even an admission that maybe he could've done better. I try to take the lessons he taught me and apply them to my parenting so I can hopefully be the best parent I possibly can for my son.
posted by Mel @ 10:14 PM
4 Comments
4 Comments:
This is one of those times when I really don't know how to respond and I should probably just keep silent (that is not my nature though :)
I think perhaps as an almost 50 parent you should know that your dad's loss in this situation is greater than yours. He probably never had any idea what he missed by not having good relationships with you and your siblings and I find that sad.
Your pain, however, should not be minimized. It sucks that he could not give you what you need and needed.
I guess your best reaction to his shortcomings is to be the best person you can be and I know you are doing that.
We always carry that child around inside of us that remembers the pain.
I had to type this post out the other night because I was really surprised at how the discussion between my hubby and our friend was affecting me. I've been part of a discussion of the same topic on a few other occasions in the past, but this is the first time the subject came up since my dad died. It's like my co-worker said: It's not that I grieve the loss of what I had, I'm grieving the loss of what could've/should've been.
As an adult, I have another *father* in my life that is everything I expect a father to be - my father-in-law. He is so good to me and so good for me. I am very blessed to have him in my life.
LOL Priscilla about not keeping silent being part of your nature. I'm often the same way. ;)
And Carley, I hope the fact that this was an eye-opener for you was a good eye-opener....
It is so sad that you both missed so much. But you've done what my DH has since he grew up without his father at all - determined to be for your child what you needed your parent to be for you. I think you've done unbelievably well with the hand life dealt you in this area, and from what I know - you're an amazimg mom to your son!
Aww, thanks Lori! Now pass a tissue! >sniffle<
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